This is the saga of Sir Beardsley the Stoic, written on the scrolls of time.
Beardsley, you must climb the Candy Tower and destroy the structurally weak, but surprisingly decorative Candy Cane supports. Doing so will allow you to overthrow the EVIL and TYRANNICAL ".Com", King of the Candy Kingdom. Succeed in your quest, or DIE TRYING. For the Fate of Candy rests on YOUR shoulders. You have been given, an Almighty Candy Crushing Lollipop of Almighty and Divine Justice, or ACCLADJ for short. Press your X button to swing it. Watch out for the falling Candy like Probes of destruction that will attempt to stop you in your quest. Press Z to jump higher than the floor, but lower than the sky.
GOOD LUCK. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN.